Confessions of a Divorce Lawyer: Collaborative Practice and Nurturing Your Dog

…..your downward dog, that is. 

Lessons learned on the yoga mat show up in unexpected ways in collaborative family practice.  Yep, that’s right.  And, no, I haven’t been smoking any “wacky tobacky “as we called it back in the day.

Before going into a collaborative session with their former spouse to discuss issues related to the children, finances and the division of assets, clients often benefit from a few simple lessons learned on the yoga mat:    

Be Open: 

You may know how to flow into an awesome downward facing dog, but if you are tied to that pose and only that pose, you eliminate the possibility of achieving crow and triangle and tree. 

It is deceptively easy to fall into old patterns, postures, responses and communication styles because they feel comfortable.  Old patterns don’t require us to stretch any further than we’ve stretched before. 

Creativity and growth require space, and if you are open, you can create space for new ideas and new ways of communicating.  When both parties come to a collaborative session with an open mind, when they are not entrenched in a specific position or outcome, they are giving themselves permission to be creative and to see things from a different perspective. 

If you have children together, you will continue to see each other, and you will occasionally need to talk and make decisions together. You will likely see each other at soccer games, or grad, or parent teacher meetings.  Entering into a consensual dispute resolution process creates an opportunity to start fresh and to learn to speak with one another and act in ways that will make both you and your children proud. 

Be Flexible (within reason): 

Not everyone can wrap their foot behind their heads without suffering a devastating injury.  That being said, refusing to bend at all leads to the same result.

When a marriage breaks down, the person who is leaving may feel guilty and overextend themselves to assuage their guilt.  Just as often, the person being left may want to invoke punishment and steadfastly refuse to compromise.  Either extreme can, and often does, lead both parties and their children to impossible positions that cause injury.

Practicing flexibility will make us more flexible, just like understanding our individual boundaries will help prevent us from overextending or giving too much.  Know yourself and what you are prepared to do but leave room to bend when bending is both reasonable and necessary.

Be Present:

If you are thinking about your grocery list or the person who cut you off in traffic, it’s going to be really difficult to balance yourself in tree pose for any length of time.  Believe me, I’ve tried, and I’ve fallen flat on my face.  If you have committed to being on the mat for an hour, then be there.  Right there. 

In collaborative meetings, you and your spouse set the agenda.  You may decide that you are going to use the time to make a parenting plan, divide assets or determine when the house will be sold.  So, do that.  Be present.  Don’t allow yourself to time travel during the meeting to a time 5 years ago when your ex….. (fill in the blank). 

Recalling past injustices or slights isn’t going get you the outcome you want or deserve.  Use therapy to deal with anger, resentment or guilt.  Use the time you have set aside to deal with the issues to actually deal with them.  Being present and focusing will help you to achieve a resolution that works for you, your ex and your kids.    

Namaste:

The goodness in my soul recognizes and acknowledges the goodness in your soul.  

Separating people loved each other once, and maybe they still do – they’ve just decided they can no longer live together.  Try to remember the love and goodness in the other person and try to extend them some grace.

By looking for the goodness in others, we unwittingly encourage them to find it, and further cultivate it in ourselves.

You don’t have to be interested in yoga to benefit from collaborative practice, but you can use these lessons learned on the mat to assist you in achieving a peaceful resolution to your separation and divorce.  

Call HD Collaborative Law.  We are here to help.  Namaste.